“It is inevitable that some de*feet* will enter even the most victorious life. The human spirit is never finished when it is de*feet*ed...it is finished when it surrenders.” Ben Stein

Saturday night was filled with apprehension and uncertainty. There has been a reason I have not come to the page in over a month. Sir and I have been sorting out some differences. Differences on how to handle our communication when we are not together. 

Sir is a busy man, who always has important matters to attend. I try hard not to trouble him with insignificant grievances. For the most part,  I simply try to sit with them and they usually dissipate or resolve themselves.

Sir is incredibly patient with me on matters of the heart. He listens and validates me and does what he can to help. This matter has involved a whole lot of thought and energy, and even some time apart.

My deepest fear is that I become a burden to Sir. The thought of displeasing him after I have had to discuss something that bothers me is so stressful it feels oppressive. Don't misunderstand, it is my own making for the need to please sir is so great....it is what drives the D/s relationship...the desire to please is at the core of everything. Sir understands this...he does not pathologize or psycholigize this deep need. He believes we suit each other and compliment each other...he reminds me often that he sees my submission as a gift and I feel so much happiness and gratitude for this relationship...I finally have context for my need to please and to explore my submissiveness.

My insecurities become strongest when I need to talk to sir about something that bothers me. I begin to have worried thoughts that he will view me as burdensome. I torture myself with words like: bitch, nit picky, difficult, tiresome, problematic, wearisome.

Things were settled while we were apart and anticipating our next coming together was an ordeal. should I dress? Will I cry when I see him? Should I prepare for a scene without direction? Will he want to talk first?

Sir has a key to my apartment so when I heard him knock, My heart began to pound...he usually just let's himself in.  I felt frozen.

Sir instantly removed the awkwardness by taking charge. Of course he did.  When will I ever learn?

He kissed me hard on my mouth pushing me onto the kitchen counter, lifted my skirt and began finger fucking me, instantly finding my g-spot. I must have confused arousal for some of the anxiety for he made me squirt within 30 seconds....then he simply said in a very casual nonchalant voice  "make me a drink slavegurl" and went and sat in the living room.

When I brought him his drink I immediately sat at his feet like I usually do. He said not to bother and pulled me over his lap for a spanking. They always hurt more when he catches me off guard. It was all a bit of a blur. I was grateful he didn't ask "how many was that?" because I forgot to count. The spanking was bringing me back to him, grounding me into a "we" and my feelings for him began to feel overwhelming so I began begging him to let me suck his cock.

And so began my cock worshipping session of the night. In sucking Sir's cock I work myself up into a wet mess...it makes me wiggle and grind...Sir fuels this with the most exquisite dirty talk. He makes me moan with his words alone.

Tonight was a very special night. Sir has been gently training my ass to take it more.  Harder and longer. Sometimes he makes me suck him 10 strokes and fuck him with my ass for 10 strokes. Tonight I felt more open and relaxed than I have ever felt. Sir fucked and pounded my ass, demanded I fuck his cock with my ass, and then fucked and pounded my ass some more, I was so aroused It felt like I couldn't get enough...I wanted more, I wanted to be full with Sir's cock...I wanted to feel him deep inside my ass...more, I wanted more....then suddenly I was cumming and  squirting. I could not believe this, I did not think it would ever happen and there I was cumming with Sir's cock deep in my ass. No other stimulation, just cock in ass.

This made everything after that feel so primal, I wanted him every way, I wanted him deep in my throat I wanted to take his load, suck his cum right out of his cock. He allowed me to suck and then fucked my ass some more,finally telling me to suck his cock like I wanted his cum...like I meant it....and I did. I sucked him until I felt his body tense and felt his hot sweet release deep in my throat...having to swallow several times as I was told not to spill a drop of his huge load.

Sir gave me permission to freshen up rehydrate myself. We chatted a short while, then he told me I was going to suck his cock again, only this time after he came,  I was to suck him until he came again. I don't think there is a single activity I enjoy more than sucking sir's cock. I was happy at the thought.

My arousal would not subside tonight. It has been a long time since I have felt this stimulated, this horny. Sir reads me well and directs me accordingly, tonight he demanded I suck and worship his feet like his cock. I took my time savouring each toe. Suckling, licking, stroking.  Sir has great feet, sculpted perfectly. When he told me to take care of the other one, he began touching my clit with his free foot. I was extremely wet. I wiggled and began to grind harder against it. He began to explore my pussy deeper. It felt incredibly erotic... I rocked and moaned...he pushed deeper....searching....until he found my G (for goodness) spot His foot began to fuck me, It began to build quickly....I was so turned on by the fact that he was now fucking me with his foot. I was losing focus.  I couldn't hold on and found myself telling Sir instead of asking that I was going to cum on his foot. There it was, the second first of the night. sSir was making me cum and squirt with his foot.

I don't remember as much detail after that, I know there was another huge squirt, some more ass fucking, another cum, some more cock worship, cum dripping from my eye lashes and my cheek (I love that look). Lots of wetness, more throat training....but the highlights by far were coming with a cock in my ass and a foot in my pussy.

I missed you Sir~

all melty~

Sir just left......blissed out~

Sonnet 57

Being your slave, what should I do but tend

Upon the hours and times of your desire?

I have no precious time at all to spend,

Nor services to do, till you require.

Nor dare I chide the world without end hour

Whilst I, my sovereign, watch the clock for you,

Nor think the bitterness of absence sour

When you have bid your servant once adieu.

Nor dare I question with my jealous thought

Where you may be, or your affairs suppose,

But, like a sad slave, stay and think of nought

Save, where you are, how happy you make those.

So true a fool is love that in your will,

                                                           Though you do anything, he thinks no ill.

                                                          ~William Shakespeare

(Sir is somewhat of an expert in Shakespeare and can recite many pieces by heart with great passion!....I hope to explore this with him)

10 fantasies by a dirty slave gurl as instructed by Sir~

1-I am a younger version of myself and completely innocent.....you are a family friend I look forward to visiting, I adore you because you give me lots of attention.  You tickle and tease and tell me what a good gurl I am. I often snuggle up beside you when you are watching T.V. You let me choose the channel.

I am beginning to discover parts of my body that feel good.  On this particular visit you are giving me a horsey ride. You have done this many times before and I am very comfortable with you.  You make me feel safe. This time it's different. I am beginning to feel things in my young pussy. I realise that if I position myself a certain way it makes me feel something I have not felt before. It feels very good. I begin to squirm differently on your leg. You notice and realise what I am doing. You are amused by my discovery.  You say nothing and simply allow me to explore this new feeling. I begin to rub myself harder and faster. You notice my breathing has changed and wonder if I will reach the end.  You are slightly aroused and fascinated.  You watch my cheeks flush and my breath turn to pants. You realise I am getting close. You would not ever hurt me and don't want to embarrass me.....you allow me to cum and wonder what I will do when I am done. My bucking turns to rocking and then back down to rubbing, slowly I stop. I gently hug your leg and climb off.  I hop back up beside you and snuggle into your arm and fall fast asleep.

2-We have purchased a very well fitted clit vibrator as well as an egg. These are wireless and remote operated. We go out for dinner and while we are looking at the menu you suddenly turn on the clit vibe. You excuse yourself for a moment because you have spotted an old friend and colleague. You tell me to take my time and browse the menu. When I look up you are both staring at me and your friend gives me a wink. I blush knowing you have let him in on the secret.When you return to your seat he is still staring at me. You turn the egg on that is inside of my pussy.  He continues to stare along with you. I am extremely aroused  and  by the time the waitress arrives I am close to cumming. I have a stunned look on my face and you rescue me and order me something. When she leaves I whisper for your permission to cum. You tell me to look at your friend and to hold it until he gives me a nod. I plead with my eyes and finally he gives me the nod. My knees are trembling as I try to hide the fact that I am experiencing the biggest cum of my life. You  realise this and though impressed, decide you had better turn them off before I attract attention.  We finish dinner and when we get in the car you  hand me the remotes and tell me I can play all I want but I am not allowed to cum. When we get home, you push me up against the wall, lift my skirt, pull my soupy panties to the side, remove the egg and replace it with your swollen cock and fuck me until I have cum two more times once for you and once for your friend.

3-I want to be finger fucked in a public place ie. on a bus, in a movie theatre.

4- We purchase a clit pump and it makes my clit so big I beg you to let me fuck your ass with it....while I fuck your ass I stroke your cock and when you shoot your load I imagine my clit squirting inside your ass.

5-The clit pump again ...it is so huge and swollen...soooooo sensitive I can barely touch it.....I stroke it with the gentlest strokes and when I am about to cum you piss on my clit . the steady stream makes me cum violently.

6-We are traveling in the car. You tell me to remove my skirt and panties and to play with myself.  When you see a semi, you increase your speed as if to pass and tell me to fuck my pussy harder, you pull up beside the semi to give him a show.....you tell me to finger fuck myself and I quirt all over the windshield....Of course the driver honks his horn in thanks.

7-We are on my favourite secluded island out on the lake....you have brought six foot stakes and a stake driver....I am always fascinated by your ideas and you allow me to just sit and watch in anticipation while you prepare. You create a huge sand pile on the beach in the middle of the stakes you have pound into the ground.  You tell me to strip. You blindfold  me and place the ball gag in my mouth and make me sit on the mound of sand and push me back. My pelvis it tilted and you proceed to tie my ankles and wrists to the stakes....I wait for you to do whatever you like to me but instead I hear you climb back in the boat and start the engine. My heart pounds as I hear the motor fade off into the distance. What I don't know is that you have quietly paddled back and are fishing just off the shore keeping me safe. My mind is busy imagining what could happen if I am discovered like this by a stranger. When you are no longer amused you strip yourself and slip into the water and quietly swim up to the beach. You startle me with your voice "how you doin slavegurl"? I am  startled and scared but aroused. You begin the slow art of your torture making me cum over and over. You remove the ballgag and fuck my mouth. When You are about to cum you pull your hard cock from my mouth and shoot all over my sunburned nipples..

8- You find us a gurl play partner and command me in detail to do dirty things to her. Then make me masturbate while you fuck her ass.

9- We do a S&M scene in where we can be watched by others.

10-Insert any idea of your choosing as I probably have a dirty fantasy about it. I am a very dirty gurl.

changing my mind~

I use to think I struggled with intimacy, that perhaps I was incapable of truly feeling it. Those were the words I put on my experience. I think I felt broken and incapable of  deep emotional intimacy with my chosen partners. There always seemed to be an emptiness, a part of me that wasn't accessible. There was love, always love and sweetness and even passion with some, but for the most part it seemed shallow, it barely skimmed the surface.

I have been doing some deep soul searching and I no longer think that is the case. It was not that I was incapable of deep intimacy....I think I needed more. I needed a different intimacy. My partners always seemed satisfied while I still hungered.

I am very connected to emotion and there has been a buried need to connect on an inmost level that others were not capable of or had no need for.

The BDSM relationship allows for me to reach the deepest level of intimacy. I say this with hope and excitement for I know Sir and I have just begun to explore and share.

On some level I always knew there was more.  I would long for more in my relationships without ever knowing what it would look like or how to obtain it.  I looked around at the models I had of relationships and saw them lacking.  Parents, elders and peers just didn't seem to have the immersed connection I craved. Partners didn't believe such a connection existed. I don't blame, it is all they knew. Hell I had know idea how to obtain it. But there was a deep knowing that it existed for me somewhere.

I have only dipped my toes, and still feel saturated. It has opened me up more than I ever could have imagined.  When I fully submit, I expose my darkest side. The side of me I have been conditioned by society to suppress, hide, feel ashamed of. When it happens I am stripped of everything, I am exposed, vulnerable to all that I have hidden in the furthest alone places of me. Sir coaxes it out, He welcomes it, embraces even. Praises are given at my most vulnerable spots. Where some would look away for the ugliness Sir validates and brings all it's beauty to the surface.  I feel so grateful, so lucky, so happy~

I don't remember my dreams very often.  There was a time when I did. Now I seldom wake up from a dream.  Sir dreams a lot and frequently asks me to tell him my dreams. I can't say I don't dream because apparently we all do I just never remember.

This morning I woke from a dream that ironically involved BDSM and M/s.

When I arrived home  from who knows where, there was a strange man in my apartment.  I can picture him clearly even now, several hours after waking from my dream.  He was slight to average build with long sandy blond hair. He seemed to be in his mid thirties, wore no shirt and had pierced nipple. He had soft golden eyes that did not match his personality at all.

He informed me he was to be my master and I would have no choice in the matter. As I observed and listened to him he went around my apartment with tools and equipment adjoining chains and shackles to walls, placing beams and rigging pulleys everywhere. The whole time telling me how it was going to be. How my life would no longer be mine. He was going to own me and take possession of my pussy.

I was afraid.  This was a deep fear. There was confusion and a panic. This man seemed deranged. He was beautiful in physical form but his heart and soul was scarey. He was on a mission and had a madness about him, yet every so often would stop and come to me and stroke my hair telling me things like Everything was going to be ok because I belonged to him now. I knew this person was delusional and appeared to be in a psychotic state of some sort.  I felt like I was being held hostage and against my will.

The whole time I kept thinking Sir would rescue me.  My panic would reach a level where I could barely breathe but I would calm myself by telling myself Sir would come. Sir did not come.

Somehow my Mom was suddenly there just having coffee in a very casual way. She was acting like nothing was different despite this strange man being in my apartment.  I had this deep fear she was going to find something out that I did not want her to know so I was acting as if everything was fine.

Strange Man walks into the area my Mom and I are having coffee with Sir's crop and leather hood in his hand.  I remember feeling so angry that he would touch Sir's things. While still trying to remain calm in front of my Mother.  I remember glaring at him trying to speak to him with my eyes. Those items did not belong to him and he best put them back.

I oscillated between thoughts of Sir's rescue and thinking if Sir walked in he would get the wrong idea and think I betrayed him.  I wanted him gone and I wanted him to put sir's things back. and yet through all the fear and panic I still wanted to experience the things he had planned. The internal emotional conflict I was feeling was the most confusing.......and then I woke up~

I think I will sit with this for a while before I try and analyze it. Share it with Sir, see what he thinks.

SoMEtiMes.................

                    WhEn 

             I Am

              sTetCHed

         OUt  BeFOrE   Sir,

            wIDe OPEn

      bURnINg WiTh HeaT,

                ThRoBbiNG,

         DriPpINg,

                 BoUNd,

                  gAggeD, PrObED, 

  

              FuCked......

       

My sOul fEels NAked~

More Dialectic, of the physical kind

Sir can fuck me up good, and I love it. I get to love it because I submit.  I accept that he is in complete control of my body.  I can only do this because I trust him.

In doing this I have been opened up to a incredible new way of experiencing physical sensation. A world of wild, befuddled, body confusion. It is the most AWEsome mixed up mind/body fuck I have ever experienced. I love it and I hate it. I crave it and dread it. I want it and I push it away.

In a matter of moments he can slap my ass, whisper "that's my slave gurl" in my ear, tickle me and lick me. He can pinch me and then stroke my ass tenderly, hold me down then suddenly flip me over.

In a session he can kiss me, pour hot wax on me, gag me with his cock, finger me until I squirt, yank my dreads then turn around and tie them in a sweet ponytail, paddle me, trace his fingers down my spine and force me to cum.

He will do these in quick succession, slowly, rapidly, or simultaneously. I never know. My body becomes so confused at times all I can do is submit and re-submit over and over, ride the wave until sir decides what's next. I am Sir's fuck puppet.

Until I met Sir so many of these sensations were ones I would hate to experience and do anything to avoid.  When experienced in a sexually forced context they become an entirely new experience. It's like they become one.

There are times when I don't know whether to enjoy the sensations of my clit or focus on moving into the sting of my ass, I sometimes don't know whether to relax after the tickle or brace myself for the smack of the paddle.  I don't know whether to feel the build of the cum or breathe through the pinch of the nipple clamps. I do know that one sensation intensifies the next and seems to morph into one giant sensation surrounding all the smaller sensations and it just builds and builds.

My mind doesn't know whether to hate and reject or love and embrace it. I am confused, turned on, distracted, ravished, pleasured, dazed, thrilled, rattled, stunned, surprised, disoriented, and gratified....I am fucked!..I could not experience this without submitting to the moment, without submitting to Sir.

Goodbye Vanilla

Today I woke up realizing I could never again be in a vanilla relationship. Ever.

I ended a nine month relationship in June, a four year relationship last April and a three year relationship in 2006 because of sexual incapatability.  There were other complications and issues in all of them but the biggest issue for me was sex.

I have always thought I was a sexual person until recently I realized I haven't even scratched the surface.

I enjoy being in a relationship I enjoy the sharing the most and it is what I miss most about not being in one. I am good in a relationship. I am giving, and respectful and have patience and tolerance for peoples idiosyncrasies. I am flexible and make compromises easily. I am dedicated and extremely loyal.  I am encouraging and supportive. I am passionate and affectionate. I am not demanding and provide a place for people to be themselves and love always where they are at...sometimes to my detriment according to friends and family. I cannot help this it is who I am. I have an inexhaustible supply of compassion and tend to only see the good in people.

This is not me bragging, it is my nature.  All my past partners would agree with what I have written.  The problem for me has always been the sex or lack of it and the fact that none of them would address the issue.  When I met all three previous partners the sex was quite enjoyable with the possibility for growth as I believed we got to know one another's bodies through the years.  All three had a sudden loss of sexual appetite until it became non-existent.  This became a huge issue in the relationships. Until it consumed the relationship. I still have not figured it out.  Were we really just mismatched sexually? How could this happen three times in a row?  Was I too sexual and did that overwhelm them to the point they just gave up?  I will never know for they could never find the answers themselves.  I have theories and speculations but that is all.

I do want a long term relationship again eventually. I want to be so committed I never look back. I want it to be the greatest love of my life and I would like it to be my last.

These past few weeks a panic has crept in.  Something shifted and I couldn't put my finger on it.  I have felt extremely needy and have had thoughts and questions I have wanted to put to Sir that were coming from a frantic place.  A need to know theme has held my head hostage and I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin.  I have felt desperate and I detest that in myself.

When I woke up this morning it was clear.  Up until a month ago I was dating quite a bit, meeting  a lot of people.  All very casual but over the summer months I was averaging 1 coffee date per week,  I had a cuddle buddy, a gurl fling, a threesome with a husband and wife.  Although I was keeping things very relaxed with everyone and very open I seem to  always be looking for that great love. I have had a fun summer and have enjoyed the freedom to meet new people.  Then Something shifted in me.  I was no longer interested in others. This D/s relationship is so exhilarating  and satisfying, I know I could never be in another vanilla relationship again. Ever.  I am happy.

Though I felt happy there was this unsettled feeling in me.  Things had changed before my mind could process what had changed. I am a heart first gurl before a head person. This is not always a good thing and I have been working on this for two and more years, trying to find a balance between the emotional mind and the intellectual mind, by combining cognitive and mindfulness techniques.  I have great tools but I am not always good at using them. When I allow myself to get consumed with something (and I am consumed with Sir and our D/s relationship) I can become emotionally disregulated. I react by operating from an emotional place only.

Suddenly I am no longer interested in meeting anyone new.  I am totally committed to exploring, deepening, and nurturing this D/s relationship with Sir. Suddenly I have freed up a huge amount of free time that was spent meeting new people, dating and looking for that great love. Suddenly all that free time has been spent thinking about Sir and the relationship, daydreaming, fantasizing and wanting more.  Of course I felt needy.  I created a huge empty space in my life without awareness.  Because I have been in emotion mind I have been operating from a place of  emptiness and looking to Sir to fill me up. I could not understand how I suddenly had all these pressing questions around the relationship when I was fine with the way things had been.

I still have questions about our D/s relationship.  Can it move into something more permanent? Can it be a lifelong thing?  Could we someday have this 24/7 and what would that look like, or is a D/s relationship only a play relationship for Sir?

I feel I can ask these questions now as I don't feel they are coming from a desperate emotional place.  That desperation felt like I would be asking from a needy place and that felt manipulative in a way. That did not feel very submissive so I did not ask. I am glad I was able to sit with things until I could process. I feel I have more truth and insight. I can ask these questions from an honest place.

The panic came from the resolution my heart came to before my head. That resolution being I could never be in another vanilla relationship. Ever. Without consciously knowing this I knew on a emotional level that the people I was meeting would not accept my relationship with Sir and I know I am not prepared to give this up.  I feel like my world has just opened up. I am just realizing how much of myself I have been suppressing.  There is so much about this D/s relationship that fills me up. I could never go back to vanilla.  I choose to give up my vanilla life. I choose this regardless of what Sir's answers are to these questions. I love this part of me Sir is helping me find.  I have never experienced sex like this or this level of intimacy in my life.

Now I can mindfully get busy on filling up that space in between our time together with things that nurture  me.  I can settle into "happy". ~

confused sub

The previous post brought up a lot of confusion for me.  If I enjoy being dominated and surrendering my power to Sir and I do.  Why is the power of pleasuring him so exciting?

When it comes right down to it there seems to be a certain power in  surrendering your will to someone.  For if I take it back and I could at any time for I am in a fully consensual D/s relationship, Sir loses his power of domination.  I don't like thinking about it. It makes me uncomfortable. It makes all that power seem so fragile.  Is this where my power lies.  It is unsettling to me. That is the dialectic of the D/s relationship I suppose. It's very tricky and quite the mind fuck.

I will  need to do some exploring around this with Sir....he helps me see things more clearly~

Cock Worship

Sir asked me why I liked to worship his cock so much.  I never seem to find the words when he asks such questions. I often struggle with words in his presence.  His giant personality generates behaviour in me akin to a schoolgirl crush. This feels both strange and frustrating for me as I love words and can usually articulate and express myself well. This can also be embarrassing as Sir has a love for the English language and insists on proper grammar. He enjoys teasing me when I stumble over my words, when I misuse or mispronounce them.  His scholarly ways just increase my need to please him which in turn just creates more pressure and I stammer and draw blanks.

The question "why do I like worshipping Sir's cock so much"  is a difficult question. Like asking me why I like the color green or the taste of chocolate. This entry is an attempt to process and excavate the answer to this  perplexing question.

wor·ship –noun

reverent honor and homage paid to a Deity or a sacred personage, or to any object regarded as sacred.

Worship is a good word and an accurate word. I adore Sir. My feelings for him deepen everyday. He gives  so much to me. He opened up my world and connects me to a part of myself I didn't even know existed. The thought and effort a Dom puts into the D/s relationship amazes me. Cock worshipping is my way to express my appreciation  and gratitude for all Sir does for me. This is my time to convey my devotion and adoration to him as my Sir. To thank him. 

I  masturbate and fanticize to the image and sounds of our last cock worshipping session. I cannot cum without the sound of Sir in my head. The sounds of Sir's moans when I lick or swirl my tongue a certain way is like an erotic game of hot or cold. The way he tells me I am doing a good job with phrases like "oh you love worshipping my cock don't you slavegurl" and when I take him deep in my throat and he speaks my favorite words "that's my gurl"  or even his breathy "ohhh". These phrases are etched in my mind. It's the sound of his pleasure and knowing it is me turning him on fulfills something in me. It seems a circle, a circle of perfect gratification. I am turning him on simply by doing something that turns me on.

The reality of cock sucking Sir is even better than the fantasies or anticipation. For the reality is filled with surprises and nuances, opportunity to try new things and receive Sir's reactions. Reality is long play where fantasy is short clips. Reality is tangible and feeds my senses which can't be simulated through fantasy. Reality heightens my arousal.

 I love worshipping Sir's cock as herein lies the place of my own power.  For those few moments the power shifts. I know sometimes the moment it is reached. When Sir says in his deep commanding voice "don't you stop now".  Or I feel the strain of his muscles fighting for unleash and the rigidness of his cock, his quickening breath stops for a brief second. It is in this moment where my neck is starting to tighten,  my jaw is beginning to lock,  and my mouth is raw. I am beginning to lose my rhythm. I am teetering with Sir. I can barely hang on. I now have the power to end it all or the power to give to Sir his own release. It is also in this moment I remember the prize of all the other cock worshipping sessions. The power to make Sir cum.

When I make Sir cum every sense is fulfilled. I can see him cum, I can hear him cum, I can taste him cum, I smell cum and best of all I can feel him cum. My  own pussy is now throbbing and wet watching the climb with Sir. Now is the time for complete mindfulness. I must focus and move into my pain, I must dig deep I must continue the rhythm.  His body and his mind wants this release so bad and I want to be the one to give it to him for I want only to please him, I need to please him. I think perhaps it is my most powerful gift of service.

Missing me

I haven't seen Sir in 5 days. I have also had out of town company since Friday and have not been able to find the time to write. My thoughts of Sir are constant.  I try to distract, get lost in the moment of friends and laughter but there is a feeling always something is missing. I miss Sir like crazy but this is a different missing.

Perhaps it is the missing me Sir is helping me find.  She is a very raw, stripped down version of the person the rest of the world sees.  She is innocent but not naive. She  is connected primordially to an ancient self.  She has been gone a long time. She seems nowhere to be found in the company of others.

Sir helps her find herself. With few words he calls her out. His tone, a whisper can render her helpless. And as she writes that last sentence she can hear Sir's voice in her head "you feel helpless do you slavegurl?....perhaps I will show you what helpless really feels like" and she is wet instantly and she wants more. She is insatiable. The craving is always there.....

She wants his strong hands on her bare skin, she wants to wear their mark. She wants to  feel the wrath of his displeasure with the crop and she wants to feel the softening of his words when he says "that's my gurl". She wants to relinquish control to the restraint of his choice and she wants to relinquish control to him. She needs his strength all ways, always and  she wants him because she wants herself~

Sweet Release

Sir has already fingered me into a frenzy on the living room floor...slapping and pushing me further and harder until my body explodes in shudders and gushes of puddles. In these moments I feel my body contort and twist until I feel his massive strength pull me back into him. His arms reminding me where I am and then deciding if I am done being his fuck puppet.

Sir always insists on time to savour the moments after a big cum. He requires me to rehydrate and gather my energy. He permits me to freshen up and tells me what a good slave gurl I am. This tenderness expressed after a good spanking satisfies a deep craving in me.

After this session he demands I kneel in front of him. His deep voice always commands attention. He tells me sternly he is not finished with me.  Reigniting the heat in me instantly. Placing the nipples clamps on my already erect nipples. He leans in pulling the adjoining chain closer to him and whispers in a laugh "did you really think I was done with you slave gurl?" He commands me to stand up lifting the chain and pulling me into the bedroom.

There is something  in his eyes tonight, something different than other nights. Perhaps it is something in me he is reading, perhaps it is the moon.

The tugging and taunting was just the beginning. Nipple pain is sharp and intense. It requires a deeper melting into it. It catches in my throat. and burns behind my ears. I have had the nipple clamps before and they have always been intense  but the flogging and slapping of my breasts simultaneously was taking me to a place I had never been before. The most incredible sense that I could see Sir watching me intently and at the same time feel like I was enveloped by complete blackness fused a state that  I was both seeing and blind. And the strikes of the flogger continued to drag me into them. My own moans unrecognizable to me. Is that me crying? Who is asking that? Something building, building and I am no longer even there. I am nowhere and I am everywhere..... until the release of the clamps and I buck and moan louder and I collapse in sobs.  A release so intense, so uncontrollable my body quakes in it's finality. And those big strong arms again around me....Sir's voice asking me how I am doing. A quick worry thought "I hope he is not disappointed in my tears" quickly disappears because I know better. Sir strokes my hair until my whimpers soften and my breath returns to normal....and then kisses.

This was the most cathartic release I have ever experienced with Sir. An intimacy unfamiliar yet a remembering I cannot still explain. Something changed on this night I have examined and scrutinized without being able to decipher it. This will call for Sir's expertise. He will have the words when I am ready.

bound

I wait for you...I feel stuck...I struggle...it hurts

this bondage of my head and heart

I try to move into it as if the paddle has struck

I try to become it, sinking deeper into the center of it

until everything ceases to exist

longing  pushes me further, the pain brings me back

I want to scream out my safe word~

whatever

I was in the shower this afternoon when sir said "this is what's going to happen, you are going to be downstairs and ready to go in 5 minutes".  I still had soap on me when I jumped out of the shower to answer the phone.  I did not want to miss Sir's call. I was not prepared to go anywhere. I begged for more time but Sir was only willing to negotiate 5 more minutes. 

As I quickly rinsed off and toweled dried my heart began to race. I was both excited and annoyed for the call came in the middle of shaving my pussy, so half my pussy still had stubble. No time now.  I like to feel good when Sir arrives, shaved and lotioned silky smooth. 10 minutes was not enough time. I did the basics, foundation, a little blush and some mascara. I sill had  much to do and I felt so panicked and rushed and was frantically trying to prioritize in my mind what absolutely needed to be done.  Then in the midst of the scurry I had a  thought "what would be the worst thing that could happen if I took longer than 10 minutes"? My heart pounded even faster because for some reason I knew I could not challenge this.

It wasn't the thought of the  potential physical punishment. So far anything Sir has punished me for has been to his own amusement and hasn't really felt like a punishment yet. I'm sure that will change in time.  It was suddenly about this unwritten contract we have entered into together. I am his slave gurl and he is my Sir. To not take this seriously despite knowing at this point I enjoy the punishment as much as he does could have significant consequences. I could not break this silent agreement. It would have been disrespectful. I could not just say "whatever" and take my sweet old time. I had a picture in my mind of what I looked and sounded like in past relationships if I disagreed with my previous partners. It must never be that. and in that moment I knew that the second I decide to not take an order seriously the D/s relationship ends. I also know that Sir is open to negotiation which needs to be communicated in words and he is always firm but fair. In order to prove that I take this relationship seriously I must accept his order and direction or we cease to have a D/s relationship. We are growing together as D/s and Sir is the teacher/trainer/guide. I have to trust in this process. It seems like perhaps I will face a series of these little tests. My goal now is to show Sir I will do them because I see a bigger picture, this is not just playing at being submissive. I am submissive to him. I am beginning to trust him  more and more and I trust that his picture is even bigger than mine.

A haiku for Sir~

Purple blue red stain
tingles tether me to you
your mark glows desire

surprise sleepover~

Sir has just left. I can still feel his cock in my mouth as if it was still there. I can feel the space it takes up and the way the ridge catches on my tongue when I slide it out. I sit quietly and imagine him still here.

Sir surprised me last night. He did two things he has never done before.  He showed up unannounced and spent the whole night. This slave gurl could not have been any happier. Sir always gives me at least 3-4 hours notice and we have not slumbered together since the festival.

I had not heard from Sir since Wednesday nights play session. The space in between our time together is becoming more and more excruciating. When we spoke that evening we discussed weekend plans and it turned out we both had plans for Saturday night so it was suggested by Sir that we get together Sunday afternoon. I knew I would not see him Thursday night for we never play two nights in a row. Sir is a very busy man in his work life so I am always appreciative of any time we get to spend together.

I got through Thursday OK but as the work day was ending Friday, I felt this sadness and a deep desire to see him.  I wondered if maybe he would text throughout the day to inquire about my availability.  I had not heard by him by 6:30 so I knew I probably wouldn't....but I still hoped. Sitting around hoping for a Play date with Sir leads to day dreaming and playing our last scene over in my head. This just leads to more want and hope. A never ending cycle for this slave gurl.

When he called at 7:00 my heart swelled and when he told me to come downstairs because he was waiting outside it nearly jumped out of my body. Then panic. I like things to be perfect when Sir arrives and as I surveyed my apartment I began to have worry thoughts.  My bed was not made,  I had some dirty dishes in the sink.  He has not been part of my everyday life.  I wondered what he would think, would there be punishment? Then I spotted my cigarette package and remembered my promise to Sir.  I would only smoke if I was  having a few drinks. More punishment?

I never know how these things will go....will he use the opportunities to train me through discipline?  Are we still building trust and understanding boundaries...will our D/s relationship really grow?  What does total submission really look like if it is consensual? Does it begin and end in the bedroom? Will there be a day I trust him to make decisions in my life, Where I really won't have a choice in my discipline. When I may not actually like what Sir decides but take it anyway because I trust that he knows best.I'm not sure if I fully understand that aspect of the D/s relationship or if we will ever feel a need for it.

Analyzing and thinking about total submission is a trip.  I know I am far from it. I experience moments and pockets of it.  When it happens it is the most  incredible mind/body space I have ever experienced. Up until I met Sir the only thing that came close was orgasm and a few meditation experiences. I think for now I live for those moments. I play hard, try to push myself in some way each time we play together and remind myself Sir wants to be as good of a Sir as I want to be a good slave gurl. He is an incredible teacher and I am astounded every time I struggle and search for words to put on my experience he has a way of explaining what is happening  in such a clear validating way. How long can one remain in a totally submissive state and is this sub space?Is there a time one ceases being who they are?  How does one reconcile total submission with feminism?

So sir arrived and wanted to go out for a bit.  He had suggested a movie then he just found himself driving aimlessly.  During the drive we discussed my need to prepare for him when there will be ass play.  I struggle with discussing this with Sir as anything to do with pooping and farting is not something I am comfortable with. He is so matter of fact and was concerned I was spending too much money on pre-packaged enemas he thought we should shop for an enema bag for me.  When we couldn't find what we were looking for I cheekily said "well I'm not asking for it". Big mistake. Sir decided I would and that I must obey. I knew the look, he was not teasing back.  I felt so uncomfortable and a bit humiliated doing it in front of Sir's watchful eye. I could feel my face flush asking the pretty gurl at the pharmacist counter but she simply said "yes they are over here" and brought me to them. after all the  resisting I decided the experience wasn't that bad and it was good for me to step out of my comfort zone for a bit.....Sir knows best.

Sir then thought we could prepare something for dinner and spend the evening just relaxing together and then we would have a long cock worshipping session. Sir was craving a Greek Salad so the ingredients for that were purchased and we headed home but not before Sir told me he changed his mind and wanted his cock sucked before dinner. Somewhere in there Sir decided it would be a good night for a sleepover This slave gurl was giddy with the idea of so much of Sirs time. Things feel like they are changing in a very good way.

I love to worship Sir's cock.....